Iguana Unleashed

When I turned 15 my parents let me get a green iguana for a pet. I named her Elvis. 

(The guy at the pet store had thought that she might be a male. I later took her to a Reptile Vet who confirmed otherwise. I kept the name.)

I originally wanted a snake but my parents thought a snake would be too dangerous. Little did we know that green iguanas are no walk in the park. 

The pet store guy neglected to tell us any useful information. He should have told me, that my baby iguana that fits in the palm of my hand, is going to grow as fast as an inch per month. That they grow sharp strong talons, have serrated teeth like sharks, and a muscular tail that they use as a whip. 

I didn't learn any of this until AFTER I took Elvis home. My parents thought that they were buying me a cute little lizard, not the five foot mini Godzilla she grew into.

Still I was determined to be the best damn iguana owner ever. 

One day in the pursuit of this pipe dream I came across an Iguana Harness and Leash. 

I immediately started having images of Elvis and I walking through the park, and it being amazeballs. 

I bought it, of course, and when I got home I put the leash on Elvis. At first she just angrily examined it. 

Scratched at it once or twice. Eventually she decided that it didn't bother her too much. She was more interested in walking around out of her cage. Everything was going as planned.

Until I tugged on the leash. 

She started to DEATHROLL like a fucking alligator.

I was panicking, I didn't know how to stop her from hurting herself or from hurting me. She finally wore herself out. She was completely tangled. I had to cut her out of the leash with scissors. I didn't see myself using it in the future.  

Shibas at Dog Park

It's Called a Dress

This was a real conversation I had with my boyfriend.

Indecisive Customer

What do you do?

I studied art in school. I've done some freelance work since then, but not enough for me to consider it as "what I do for a living." My main source of income comes from my serving job.

When you first meet someone. The question that will eventually, if not immediately, come out of their mouths will be, "what do you do?" I always say I'm a waitress. 

It doesn't ever evoke the "wow that's cool" reaction from this new person.

I made a decision.

From now on, I am going to tell people that I am an artist. With the hope that if I do it enough, I will believe it and it will become a reality.

The next new person I met. I waited for the question. I was ready. 

This is exactly how that interaction went.

He saw right through me.